How to Support a Friend or Family Member After Pregnancy or Infant Loss
By Melissa Hood, LMFT
October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month and an important time to talk about a topic that doesn’t nearly get talked about enough: pregnancy and baby loss. Despite the common occurrence of pregnancy loss and infant loss, birthing people and their partners often suffer in silence and struggle to voice their needs or connect with support while in the midst of grief.
As a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT) working with individuals and couples navigating infertility and baby loss, I know how isolating this experience can be and how difficult it can be to establish meaningful and attuned support from friends, family, and community.
If you know someone going through infertility, pregnancy loss, stillbirth, or baby loss, it may be challenging to know what to say or do to support your loved one through this tragic time, but your support is very important and can be an integral part of their healing process.
Here Are 5 Ways You Can Offer Support:
Provide small gestures to show you care: be present; let your loved one know that they are not alone; let them know that you are there for them; offer a hug; sit with them in silence or give them space and offer to listen when they feel ready to share. Even what may seem like small non-verbal gestures can be extremely meaningful.
Acknowledge their loss: write a card to your loved one; say ‘I’m sorry for your loss;” offer flowers or comforting gifts for healing (massage, candles, tea). The parental attachment begins early in pregnancy (and often even before conception) and the feelings of loss may be profound no matter the length of the pregnancy or the life of the child. Acknowledging infant loss by using the baby’s name will help the parents by honoring their parental bond with their baby. Remember the father or non-birthing partner’s grief as well as the birthing partner’s grief; fathers and non-birthing partners may be overlooked and may tend to hold their grief inside.
Give your loved one permission to feel what they feel without judgement or advice: you are not expected to understand all of the intense feelings that your loved one may be having. It’s okay to say “I can’t imagine what you are feeling, but I love you and I’m here for you.” If you don’t know what to say, you can simply say that. There is no need for you to try to fix things or look for positives. It is much more powerful to sit with someone in their grief. Allow your loved one to feel their feelings and move through grief at their own pace; moving through a tragic loss may take years. Don’t expect your loved one to be the same as they were before the loss.
Offer to help with a task: after pregnancy or baby loss, your loved one may not have the strength to ask for help, but may welcome offers to help with daily tasks. You can offer to provide a meal, help with childcare, or run errands. You may be able to help them share information to extended family, if appropriate, or help with arranging a memorial. Offering to help with a specific task may be more helpful than generally asking them to let you know when they need. Continue to offer help and check in on them in the coming months and years.
Support their decisions: support your loved one’s decisions about medical care, testing, memorials, ceremonies, and future plans. It’s important to let each family decide what’s right for them in the aftermath of a loss. Follow their lead and do your best to attune to the support they are asking for instead of imposing what you think you would do in the situation.
Here Are 3 Responses to Avoid:
1. Don’t assume that your loved one doesn’t want to talk about their loss just because it’s a sensitive topic. While some people may want privacy, most people going through a loss appreciate when their loss is acknowledged and known. Assuming that your loved one wants privacy may leave them feeling further isolated and unsupported.
2. Refrain from statements that minimize their experience and pain. Avoid platitudes or religious statements that may not resonate with the family’s worldview. For instance, avoid the following sayings (unless you are certain of your loved one’s beliefs):
“Everything happens for a reason.”
“Now you have an angel.”
“At least your baby didn’t suffer.”
“You’re still young. You can try again.”
“This is part of God’s plan for you.”
“At least you know you can get pregnant.”
“Have you thought about adoption?”
These statements may be insensitive and harmful. They impose a particular way of thinking that may not align with your loved one’s experience and may minimize their grief.
3. Avoid the impulse to share stories you have heard about others who have suffered a similar loss (unless prompted by your loved one). While it may seem helpful to offer a story you have heard (or even your own experience), it is often difficult and painful for those grieving a loss to hold space for other peoples’ stories. Before sharing a story, consider what the point of the story is and whether this story is actually helpful or if you are simply looking for a silver lining. Focus instead on the person in front of you and hold space for the experience they are having.
Breaking the Silence: Wave of Light
On October 15th, at 7 p.m. local time, people around the world will be celebrating the “Wave of Light” to honor and remember babies lost to pregnancy loss and infant loss. Participants around the world may join this global ceremony by lighting a candle at home for at least one hour, creating a continuous 24-hour wave of light across time zones. You can show your support and break the silence surrounding this sensitive topic by lighting a candle and sharing your participation on social media with the hashtag: #WaveOfLight.
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Melissa Hood is a Marriage and Family Therapist based in Los Angeles. Melissa works with individuals and couples in northeast LA (Highland Park, Atwater, Los Feliz, Silverlake,) and online throughout California. She specializes in working with infertility, pregnancy loss, and childless grief.
Melissa offers free Community Grief Circles to support those experiencing infertility, pregnancy loss, and infant loss. If you’re interested in being added to her list and being notified of upcoming circles, please feel free to email her: therapy@melissahood.com
